When Shrinks and Hogwarts Collide
by Bluethought
Summary: When Severus Snape's sixthyear potions class and the staff have group therapy, the results are anything but theraputic and somewhat entertaining... one shot, complete. [AU now book 6 published.]


Hi, everyone. I decided to do a break from angst with a humour fic.

I have to say, right here right now... aside from the fact I own non of the characters of Hogwarts or anything even related, I do not, technically, own this fic.

I rewrote an original idea by Maelstrom, called "When Shrinks and X-Men collide" because I thought it would work really well for Harry Potter. I tried to get permission to load this fic, but I had no reply. Just a note to say: thankyou, Maelstrom for your excellent fic.

* * *

"Good morning, everyone. How are you all doing today?"

"Mmghn."

"Hmmlnhngrr."

"Rssumfrssum... grmblgrmbl..."

"Uh, Professor Dumbledore, you did say they all understood English, correct?"

"Yes, Dr Fluke. I apologise, they're still a bit... resentful about this whole affair."

"Oh, well, that's quite reasonable. Not everybody loves making a visit to their neighbourhood wizarding psychiatrist."

"Not everybody grins like they got their lip corners taped to the back of their ears."

"Lavender, is it? Lavender Brown?"

"My friends call me Lavender."

"All right then, may I call you Lavender?"

"No."

"Lavender!"

"Well pardon me, Professor Flitwick, but this is _not_ how I pictured spending my Saturday afternoon! Being cooped up in a stuffy old room that's clogged up by fake-framed certificates, being interrogated by Ms Oh-Happy-Happy-Day-Sunshine here? Wasn't in my schedule, _noooo_."

"I believe our dear Lavender has a point, Albus. To a point, our consulting a psychiatrist is bound to acquire us some... negative PR, if you get my drift. Especially the fact that we are having group therapy - my Potions class and heads of houses. The press will have a field day with this."

"But that's exactly the point, Severus. I've sensed a little... discord among this particular class lately -"

"I swear that fruit blender thing was an _accident_!"

"- and so I thought seeing Dr Fluke would help bring us closer together."

"Oh yeah, sure. Close. Whatever. Pass the mints, Goyle."

"How much closer do you want us to get? I've already seen Ginny in the bath."

"DEAN!"

"Oops. "

"Hooboy, he's in for it now..."

"Oh joy, a fight scene. Eventually _has_ to happen with this class. It's our national past-time."

"Cynical as always, Severus. Yes, Doctor, you may take that down in your notes."

"Thank you."

"Will there be blood?"

"Theodore!"

"Thank you."

"Really, Padma, I didn't mean it _that_ way. It's totally over, was in the past, really -"

"Oh sure it is, Dean. I totally understand..."

"Ouch. That's gotta hurt. "

"Oh lovely, great punch. Right against the wall. Nice dent there, Padma."

"Don't start with me, Pansy. "

"Sigh... _Now_ you see why we are so concerned, Dr Fluke?"

"Hmm, yes, Professor Sprout, I see your point. Everyone, settle down, settle down. Yes, let's help Dean back to his chair, shall we? Thank you."

"You know, I'm actually beginning to agree that we definitely need psychiatric help here..."

"Et tu, Hermione? Oh my bleeding heart."

"Perhaps we can break the ice if we tell each other why we do not like to be in therapy...?"

"Perhaps we can stop grinning our heads off and addressing us in the plural form all the time? I mean, do we really need to drag our personal relationships into this?"

"This from a guy who thinks monogamy is some kind of wood, Malfoy."

"Watch it, Potter."

"Professor Dumbledore? If oi may speak for th' class... oi canna believe you're actually doing this ta us!!"

"Me neither! This is crazy! This is insane! This is... this is..."

"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

"Yes! I mean, no!"

"That is not funny, Professor Snape, sir."

"But it is, Seamus. Professor Snape has just made a joke. How often does that happen?"

"More like Hograts School of Bitchcraft and Dysentery, if you ask me..."

"Shut up, Lavender."

"Sir, you can't be serious about us seeing this - this - HER? I mean, a shrink??"

"Yeah! Note that 'psychiatrist' is the definition for someone who listens to your problems and makes you pay for it."

"Albus, I absolutely refuse to condone this mad decision of yours. What makes you think we should... we should... go into _therapy_?"

"Minerva, please, calm down -"

"Can we save the claws for later, Minerva? It is a beautiful chair."

"Listen, Professor Dumbledore, you want me ventin' anger and expressin' emotions, just get me near Lucious Malfoy and I'll be expressin' more than that. Nice and sticky on the floor too."

"I heard that, half-giant!"

"Draco, Hagrid, sit down."

"And I _will_ clean up the mess afterwards."

"Ick. I don't even wanna know how."

"Hagrid. Sit. NOW."

"Mr Weasley... Ronald. Since you are so vehement against the idea of therapy, perhaps you'd like to go first and tell me why the thought disturbs you so much."

"Fine. I'm a perfectly healthy guy who just happens to be a wizard and best friend to Harry Potter, so you're naturally going to accuse me of being insecure about my life. And my relationships. Which isn't true, of course, but you shrinks just go ahead and form your own stereotypes. Do we ever get a say in the matter? Noooooo. Plus you're also going to say that I'm repressed just 'cause I'm Harry's friend, but that's not true. I'm extremely un-repressed. Totally. Ask Fred and George. "

"... Well, not when you're around Fleur you're not. "

"True."

"What?"

"Fleur?"

"Fleur Decalour. Exchange student. He's got a thing for her. "

"Ah, I see. Go on, Dean."

"Dean, what are you talking about??"

"Well, not to say anything, of course, but whenever you're around her you get all uncomfortable and stuff, shifting weight and mumbling to yourself..."

"Oh yeah, you should see him, Doc. His jaw just drops to the ground while he drools all over her. Her and those lacy undergarments she wears outdoors. "

"Well, Fleur - she's classy! And I don't want to look dumb in front of her."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, Ronnykins... "

"Really, you think? Oh good... hey, wait a minute!"

"So, Ronald, from this exchange I gather that you are uncomfortable with the fact that this 'Fleur' is brimming with self-confidence and sexuality?"

"Plus the fact that she's got boobs like inflatable pillows."

"Lavender... "

"Yeah, yeah, shutting up now."

"And her 'classiness' makes you feel inferior and... repressed?"

"I am not repressed!"

"Heh. Don't be too sure about that, mon ami... "

"Can we get to the blood now?"

"Theodore!"

"Ah, yes, Theodore Nott - your father used to be a Death Eater? I understand you have a passion for violence, is that correct? A fetish for killing and gore?"

"You make it sound bad. "

"Is there any... specific thing that you have a tendency to destroy?"

"Anything that moves. "

"Theodore... "

"Hey, at least he's co-operating, sir."

"Theodore, do you think there's any particular reason why you may feel so... angry at the world?"

"Aside from the fact that my entire family were slaughtered in a bloody massacre, and that lots of Death Eaters and mad creatures and evil warlords and want to kill me dead dead dead... not that I can think of, pretty doctor in a suit. No."

"You know, we still haven't gotten to the part of Harry and his angst yet."

"Oh no thanks, don't mind me, you all go on right ahead. I'll pass on this one."

"Malfoy? Want to talk about your father?"

"Die in hell. "

"Er, Hagrid -"

"No."

"We could address Harry and his almost-dead five-times thing... "

"_Shut_ up, _Warrington_ -"

"Ohhhh yes, that's a start. I'm sure you must have suffered enormous traumatisation because of that, haven't you, Harry? After all, almost getting killed five times by You-Know-Who must have been extremely troubling."

"Well, duh."

"Be quiet, Ron. Harry?"

"What, Voldemort? Ron, give it a rest. Oh, sorry. What was the question?"

"Almost dead. Five times. Traumatised?"

"No, not really. You want to talk about trauma, you should taste Professor Snape's potions. That should give you an idea. "

"I heard that Potter."

"Go suck on it."

"_Potter_!!"

"Severus, sit down, put that wand away! Harry, please refrain from comments like that."

"Sorry, Professor Dumbledore."

"Well, my good friends, if nobody else is willing to divulge any matters of interest in this highly fruitful group therapy session, may I address matters of natural concern to us all? What unites us, Dr Fluke, is the dream of fighting the greatest evil, Voldemort, and uniting the world as a -"

"Whoops, time's up. Same time next week, everyone?"

"I'd rather die. "

"Sixth time's the charm, Potter?"

"How I wish, Malfoy. "

"Yes, Dr Fluke. Next week would be good. "

"Wonderful! Have a nice day, Professor Dumbledore, and to all of you too.

See all of you next weekend. "

"We may be in Hogsmeade next weekend... "

"Yeah, either that or Hell. We haven't been there for a while. "

"Harry..."

"Oh, well, in that case, why don't you leave a message with my owl and we will fix a new appointment, all right?"

"Oh sure, Doc, we'll get back to you. Sure... "


End file.
